Business coaches. Depending on who you ask, they’re either lifesavers for small enterprises or the business equivalent of diet pills – promises, packaging and very little substance.
The ugly side usually comes in the form of a national franchise. They’ll march in, charge you £1,500 a month, and hand you a spreadsheet. That spreadsheet looks clever, with its pastel boxes and formulas, but in reality it’s about as much use as a chocolate fireguard. A decent advisor, say an accountant who’s awake, can plug in your numbers and churn out a 10-10-10 growth line in less time than it takes you to wonder why you’re paying £1,500 for Excel.
I once saw one of these characters walk into a perfectly profitable business. Strong margins, happy staff, no timesheets – just trust and results. Their big idea? Introduce timesheets, because on paper it would “improve the profit line.” And yes, on paper it looked wonderful… right up until the following week, when two staff handed in their notice. The business lost knowledge, morale and momentum, all for the sake of a theoretical efficiency. That’s the danger: advice that looks neat in a spreadsheet but wrecks the people who actually keep the business alive.
Here’s the bigger problem: a quarter of these coaches have never employed a member of staff, never lost sleep over payroll, and never stared at a cash flow that looks like a ski slope. Yet they’ll bang on about scaling strategies and “leadership mindset,” while ignoring the messy, human side of running a business.
But not all coaches are bad. The good ones are invaluable. I speak to a lady in London four times a year, and she doesn’t waste time with templates. She listens, challenges, and helps me untangle the mess in my head. That sort of clarity is worth more than any spreadsheet.
The snag is that coaching is unregulated. Anyone can set themselves up as a “business coach.” Some of them are brilliant mentors, others are just failed entrepreneurs looking for their next gig. You need someone who understands reality – not someone who shouts about “growing to £1m in two years” back when the internet still screeched at you through a modem.
And those franchise coaches, with their shiny fees and cookie-cutter templates? That’s not coaching. That’s pantomime. It’s Jaws 4 – yes, there’s a shark in it, but that doesn’t make it the same as the original Jaws. Same gimmick, none of the bite.
If you’re going to hire a coach, pick one who’s been in the trenches. Someone who’s dealt with staff, cash flow, and the terror of an HMRC brown envelope. Because the good ones don’t just help you swim forward – they stop you getting eaten alive.
And if you’re not sure which is which? Ask your accountant.
